now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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