Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
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