i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
