she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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