I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
