i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
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