Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
