I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
