Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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