he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
