I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
