Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
