So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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