Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Randomize
