You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
