i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
