My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
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