There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
