This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
