I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
