If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Randomize
