I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Randomize
