Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
