$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
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