I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
