watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I still have a little drunk in my system
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
