one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
