oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Randomize
