Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
