My room smells like vodka and shame
I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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