Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Is Oprah even human
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
