Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
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