So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
