my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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