just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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