Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
