Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
