toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I think my moral compass just broke
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