If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
