My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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