i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
We are all done wearing pants today
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
