Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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