he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
