dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
