He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Randomize
