If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
