I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
