You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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