Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
