Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
and i looked up. we had an audience...
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Randomize
