my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
