I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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